a journey home.

"You're running and you're running and you're running away / You're running and you're running/

But you can't run away from yourself." - Running Away, Bob Marley & The Wailers

There's no use in running.

As I sit here writing the first of many journals turned blog posts, which admittedly is dated back to February 22nd, I would first like to acknowledge my spirit guides, intuition and those who (or have tried to) love me with a classic .gif selection. One that represents goodwill trying to enter my life versus how my traumatized ass responds:

Fear is a powerful emotion. But it has left me nothing. Only afraid and lost in the space between what was then and now.

Thinking back, my goal since the beginning of my healing journey has always been to reclaim myself. While "reclaiming" has and always will be a goal of my journey, it is not a static reality. There has never been and won't be a single moment where I've "arrived" into feeling whole again after the traumas I've experienced. Instead, I'm realizing it is a constant flow of arrival. The same way a body of water pushes and pulls from the shore. Constantly shifting.

Today, I'm thinking about time. How much of it I've spent running because I was afraid. Avoiding what is for me. Residing in discomfort. How much of that was and often still is a choice I run to because of its familiarity. Disregarding the fact that familiarity and safety do not always share the same face. There is always time to change.

If we're being honest...I had beef with time. I believed it did nothing but work against me. The cliche"time heals all wounds" felt like a lie. An unnecessary one at that. Why couldn't I be okay now? I read all the self help books.Tried therapy. I thought if I managed to understand enough about my trauma/aftermath, I could think my way to being over what happened. No need for connection or vulnerability. Just me, words and my guides. I'm happy to say I was wrong.

Timing is Everything.

“I feel a new era coming in, standing on the shore, waiting for it to slowly greet me.” ― Charlotte Eriksson, Everything Changed When I Forgave Myself: growing up is a wonderful thing to do

I've lost nothing by taking the time to heal in a way that feels right.

But if we're being honest I had beef with time. I believed it did nothing but work against me. The cliche"time heals all wounds" felt like a lie. An unnecessary one at that. Why couldn't I be okay now? I thought if I read all the self help books and managed to understand enough about my trauma/aftermath in isolation, I could think my way to being over what happened. No need for connection or vulnerability. Just me, words and my guides. I'm happy to say I was wrong.

Time has allowed both clarity and perspective. Not only into how unhappy I was, but how much I felt that I had no control or impulse in creating the life I wanted. Time alone has not done the work of healing me. Action has. It was one thing to imagine a life where I did not allow fear to lead me. It's another to try in spite of it. All the time that's passed has led me here. So, here I am.

It's taken years to finally see myself as more than just the aftermath of my abuser, or the product of a loving but violent home. I am not the child I was then. But I am living her dream. Because of her, I'm able to look in the mirror and see my own light shining back. When I don't, these are my affirmations:

I live a life where I am myself at all times. No need to fill someone else's shoes, wants, desires, expectations. I have my own.

I know my limits and respect them before I expect others to.

I love myself by example. Others are welcome to do the same.

I do not accept what is not for me.

What is for me I welcome with open arms.

I live knowing that all I'm imagining is also imagining me.

My everyday is a choice to live free instead of in fear. Not because it is easy it because I deserve it.

This blog is the documenting of a life embodied. Mind. Body. Spirit.

One of my own design, where I am free, present and whole. Without the facades or limitations. Where I am open to giving and receiving love. Where I know I am worthy of being respected and held. Cherished and supported. Included and seen. I am no victim. I understand the depth of that statement now than ever before.

This was never truly about blame, or trying to get back to who I was before it/they happened. It's a realization of what I have always been. Here.

Home has always been in the mirror. How beautiful.

Welcome to a home to self.

- Nicole